There is something pretty utopian and also extremely romantic in the belief that the situation in Bulgaria and in Bulgarian culture can improve against all odds. I do not remember how many fruitless ideas we have lamented for during the past years and how many great ideas we did not dare to even imagine because nobody would have supported them, season after season. And what great fear they inculcated in us, such  that we cannot get  over all our life. Fear for our work, fear of our work, fear of the other, of the stranger, of someone different, of the intimacy, of the lack of intimacy, of you, of me, of me in the mirror.

Today, more than ever, I start thinking what  great effort shall be required from a person in order to be able to preserve his identity in the art and in the things he is  creating. To be not only honest and responsible, to be not only able to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous fortune, but in spite of the present times, the state and your personality, to find will and motivation within yourself and oppose alone to a sea of troubles, which is waiting for you – wild, quiet and furious at the same time. It is waiting for you to dive into it and, if you occasionally survive and swim through the hardships of life, be ready to end them by yourself.

A work of art is not a result of indifference neither cheerfulness. In times of trial the works that emerge out on the surface are the ones that we can obtain tranquility and consolation from. But how could we obtain these, when those pieces actually derive from anxiety and desolation? This sudden touch, this expectation that something new will happen, that the fate of the spirit will finally be decided, precisely that feeling of reaching Nirvana, indicating that you have finally achieved something beyond the mere talk is what makes me hold on – professionally and missionary.

Fear is the third ‘child’ in the family of the State Puppet Theater in the city of Stara Zagora, born in the art laboratories, which the theater inaugurated more than ten years ago. And if you would let me use the metaphor that in the first  show – Commedia almost Dell’Arte  faith is the prevailing motive, related to the idea that all the efforts made in those art meetings, should reach a final grand show, which should have more than one  performance in front of an audience, while in the second  show We Won’t Pay hope is evoked for the purposes  of continuing this mission, so then it is precisely here in Fear, where love is definitely apparent, because such has been put into the show.

When I first watched the results of the A Never-Ending Story art laboratory in April, I  could see   what the team  was aiming for. Among all of the uncertainties, quests, confusions and other useless ideas, something became clear just then and it was the fact that the future show will not delight the eye, will not need to engage the audience morally and didactically or try to open its senses for what was going on. This time we will use firmness and rudeness  where we should be gentle. Delicate thing is the soul! But then, how and when would it be possible for you to provoke a catharsis, if you do not open the box of Pandora, if you do not let the vultures peck all of your sins and in this way free your soul; if you do not get in touch with music or do not  raise the baton of the conductor in your personal life; if you do not force the contrabass to play in your soul till the very end or if you do not affect your own dynamics. Nothing will happen. And it will never happen. Never!

Fear focuses on the personal story of a human being, who revises his own life. It refers to his great desire for life in pink,  which is, alas, a life in fear. A fear, that he does not have the will to cope with and the fear that he does not have the will to stand against. The close-up, in which the action develops, is quite interesting. On the stage, childhood, maturity and old age meet. And they ask their questions and grope for possible answers about who they want to be, but unfortunately are not.

When I grow up, I want to become big immediately!
If I could start my life again, I would  live it in a totally different way.
I would live with another speed. I would get up early. I would live life fully!
If I could start my life again, I would  be happy!

And while we  watch these moments of someone else’s unconsumed life like voyeurs, on the stage appear different pictures, which present to us the endless expressions of fear, one after another. Here comes the fear of the first date of two persons loving each other. Here comes the fear of  society, too; the fear of the possibility that society may not let you become a part of it immediately or may even reject you. Here is also the fear of the Military Commission and its questions to you when you are just 18 years old, the fear of the questions that they ask you on the silly TV show, which you were invited to participate in. The fear for your child – not to fall, not to get hurt, not to catch a cold, not to break his leg, not to get burnt by fire. The fear that almost always converts the parent in a terrible monster, communicating imperatively with his child, “Do not touch the vase!”, “Do not jump into the puddle!”, “Do not talk to strangers!”, “Do not speak if they do not ask you!”, “You know who will come if you do not obey, don’t’ you?” Those are the roles that adults always play  be it because of fear, because of indifference, only for the sake of justifying their own behavior. And in the end Bogeyman always comes. That is why I keep on asking myself, why do we inculcate this fear in our children? Why do we convert their dreams into a nightmare? Is it  to force them out  of childhood earlier and  have them swim across the river of fear on their own, so that we could meet them on the other side,  shivering in pain because of our problems?

Whether the  this show will resonate for a long time among the  audience in Stara Zagora , I cannot know. I also do not know if the life of the show is going to last long, because it does not aim at being funny, pleasant or entertaining for the brutalized audience. On the contrary, it   pours salt on the  wounds, it suffocates you and who, may I ask, simply who nowadays likes to be pointed at, be hold responsible for his  cowardice or passiveness? No one, of course!

There is something else, which I believe is more important and socially significant. The level and the professional attitude, which mark the appearance of Fear on the theater map in Bulgaria, put forward two questions to me. The first one is – why has not the period of revival of the so called puppet shows for adults come yet, if their additional value (artistic, aesthetic, social, financial) is higher than that of the obligatory repertoire titles, which the State Institute must produce? In this train of thought,  shouldn’t we think about creating conditions, which can make the shows happen  within the  agreed  terms? And here comes the second question – what are the obstacles and the prospects of creating a Center for Theater Research and Puppets – a laboratory which will work in the direction of  developing the stage theater language in the field of puppet theater; a laboratory which will become the meeting place of stage directors, playwrights, actors, stage designers, composers, light designers and theater critics,  who will work together for the purpose of consolidating the artistic quests in this sphere, which today we call, quite inappropriately, ‘puppet theater for adults’. I consider quite improper the fact that there is only one puppet theater festival for adults, which  takes place once  every two years and it is considered an objective showcase for the status of the national repertoire in the category ‘adults’. Besides, the lack of a signed agreement, in fact, does not oblige anyone to work for this cause. However, what happens to those who want to develop both their troupe and their repertoire? It is because of them that I believe in the possibility of creating such a Center, in which the principle of the workshop and the work-in-progress could develop throughout the year those things that are considered as symptomatic today. A place where artists from all the puppet and drama puppet theaters can gather and generate ideas, try to make them  come true and in this way  realise their searches  collectively. And I believe that this format must be recognized by the central authority because its driving force  is the same authors,  who make our children laugh on Saturday and Sunday. From my point of view, I think that someone should make the first step and give the others a chance to follow him. Otherwise we will continue doing things against all odds or just of fear.

When it comes to the spiritual,  every pain is an  opportunity; but only in the spiritual!

Translation by Nadia Zhereva